Thursday, May 31, 2007

I Forgots All About Memorial Day

"The Offside Leader" by Will Ogilvie
written December 8, 1918

This is the wish as he told it to me, of Gunner McPherson of Battery B.
I want no ribbon nor medals to wear, I’ve done my bit, and I’ve had my share
Of filth and fighting, blood and tears, and doubt and death in the last four years.
My team and I were among the first contemptible few, when the war-clouds burst.

We sweated our gun through dust and heat, we hauled her back in the big retreat,
With weary horses and short of shell, turning our backs on them, that was Hell!
That was at Mons, but we came back there, with shining horses and shells to spare,
And much I’ve suffered and much I’ve seen, from Mons to Mons on the miles between.
But I want no medals nor ribbons to wear, all I ask for my fighting share
Is this, that England should give to me, the offside leader of Battery B.

She was a round-ribbed, blaze-faced brown, shy as a country girl in town,
Scared at the gangway, scared at the quay, lathered in sweat at the sight of the sea.
But brave as a lion and strong as a bull, with the mud at the hub in an uphill pull.
She learned her job, as the best ones do, and we hadn’t been more than a week or two,
Before she would stand like a rooted oak, while bullets whined and the shrapnel broke,
And a mile of the ridges rocked in glee, as the shells went over from Battery B.

We swayed with the battle back and forth, lugging the limbers south and north,
Round us the world was red with flame, as we gained or gave in the changing game.
But forwards or backwards, losses or gains, there were empty saddles and idle chains,
For death took some on the galloping track, and beckoned some from the bivouac,
Till at last were left but my mare and me, of all who went over with Battery B.

My mates have gone and left me alone, their horses are heaps of ash and bone.
Of all who went out in courage and speed, there is left but the little brown mare in the lead.
The little brown mare with a blaze on her face, who would die of shame at a slack in her trace,
Who would swing the team at the least command, who would charge a house at the clap of a hand,
Who would turn from a shell to nuzzle my knee, the offside leader of Battery B.

But I want no medals nor ribbons to wear, if I’ve done my bit, it was only my share,
A man has his pride and the good of his cause, and the love of his home, they are unwritten laws.
But what of the horses who worked by our side? Who in faith as of children fought with us and died?
If I through it all have been true to my task, I ask for one honour, this only I ask--

The gift of one gunner.
I know of a place, where I’d leave a brown mare with a blaze on her face,
‘Neath low leafy lime trees, ‘mid cocksfoot and clover,
To dream, with the dragon-flies glistening over.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

I Don't Know Anything About It

We got new jump standards in the arena. I like them better than the blue ones. The blue ones were made of steel and were not edible. The new ones are made of wood and are not edible. I repeat, they are not edible, no matter how tasty they might smell. Please ignore any teef marks you might see on the top of some of them. I don't know who put them there. Nor do I know who lifted them up off the ground and moved them a little bit out of position. Because it was not me.
People ask me all the time, "Paul, what does it mean to be a mule?" I have taken the time to put it in an easy-to-follow flow chart (see below). Click on it to enlarge it.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Bass Ackwards

For the first time in a long time, mah editor came out to see me. As usual, there was the customary Brushing and Grooming of the Feet, followed by the Distribution of the Snak. There was also the Application of the Fly Sprays. It has been so long since she has been here that she forgots how to ride. That's right, she sat on me backwards today.

It is that time of the year when there is fresh green hays laid out for me. A whole truckload of it crawled up into the hay loft on a conveyor belt. I am going to eat every single bit of it by myself and not share it with one single person this means you Bullseye, Whiskey, Senor Huck, Molly all of you %&*#@*.

I saw a broom and tried to eat it. The hay it is made out of tastes terriful.

Sunday, May 6, 2007


Mah editor walked right by me today. I was pretending like I didn' t notice her on account of I didn't feel like going up and going to works. When I looked up again she was walking right past me leading Senor Huck. SENOR HUCK! They were all up there doing grooms and working in the new ring and having snack treats. Oh noes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Help You God

Last week mah editor testified at two federal trials. While she is still under oat, I would like to ask her a few questions.

Me: “Woman, can you describe how you spend a typical Saturday?”

Mah Editor: “On Saturdays, I usually sleep a little bit late, go running, then go to the grocery store. In the afternoon I go out to see you, sir.”

Me: “Last Saturday, did you go to the grocery store?”

Mah Editor: “Yes, I did.”

Me: “Which grocery store did you go to yesterday, which was a Saturday?”

Mah Editor: “I went to the Wal-Mart Supercenter.”

Me: “Is that the grocery store where you usually shops?”

Mah Editor: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “Is it your regular practice to buy Sam’s Brand Oat and Honey granola bars on your grocery shopping trips?”

Mah Editor: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “Did you buy them yesterday?”

Mah Editor: “No sir, I did not.”

Me: “Thank you. Your Honor, I has no further questions.”

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Somthing New

Today I went into the curve bit with a chin strap. Busting through the just-opened gate is now more problematic. *scheme* *scheme*

I am pleased to report that the new ring is now safe, all scary things are gone. It is now safe to enter the new ring. I repeat, it is now safe to enter the new ring.

Nothing mah editor has matches. Black headstall and reins, havana saddle, white cotton girth . . . she is making me look like a total geek. I know they make brown tack for large fellows, I've seen it on the internets. But I has no moneys!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I did get a fly mask. It makes me look like a terrorist. On this day I begin mah fly jihad. Death to the fly infidels!

I also have a green and white halter. Green lead rop soon to come, one can only hope.